I am preparing to put myself into a crucible. It will burn me so thoroughly that there ought to be nothing left but the finest of ashes, like the sand on the beaches I often dream of walking upon. Those ashes will then blow on the winds that flood the concrete valleys and canyons of Tokyo, scattering the particles of my experience such that they rejoin the essence of nature, and I may finally know oblivion.
I will do this because there is no other option. I need the time between then and now to prepare, to gather my strength and temper what physical power I can muster with an unparalleled mental discipline.
And even after all this great scourging of my soul, of revisiting loneliness and desperation, of tempting fate and testing the very limits of the fabric of my sanity, all of this will be preparation for the trial beyond.
And that trial a preparation for the one beyond it.
And despite this understanding, despite this deep appreciation for the way my life will cycle, I still deny the thought that all of it is preparation for something yet to come once the lights go out on my existence.
Is this all I have? These few precious years to establish an empire and a legacy, to spread what little knowledge I have gleaned as far and as wide as it will flow, to share stories and spark the fire of freedom in the minds of those conscious enough to listen?
Well then, I embrace the fires to come. Embrace them like a long-lost lover come home at last.
First draft: 141202